On January 25, a shrewdly campaigning Newt Gingrich told Florida voters who are deeply entrenched in NASA and the space program as a source of income and labor in the area, that if he were elected president, America would have a colony on the moon by the end of his second term. Since Gingrich’s initial remarks, other thought leaders in the political world have stepped forward with what, until Gingrich’s speech, seemed lofty, and quite frankly, fucking ridiculous goals of their own.
Mitt Romney: “If I’m elected president of the United States, not only will we have a colony on the moon by the end of my FIRST term, but anyone who can afford to buy a $1 Million Moon Villa, as they will be called, will get a 50% tax break.”
Herman Cain: “Shit, Pizza Hut’s been delivering to the moon since 1987. Only charge an extra 35 cents delivery, too.”
Rick Perry: “No homos.”
Sarah Palin: “It’s my dream that one day, any American, from Joe Six Pack to Joe Millionaire, I love that show by the way, can afford to raise their kids on the moon. Maybe then they’ll stop spiting God by worshiping the unholy sacrilege of Harry Potter and his witchcraft movies.”
Michele Bachmann: “I don’t understand why we don’t already have thriving metropolises on the moon. There are no studies that say a human can’t breathe in outer space. None whatsoever.”
Barack Obama: “No, I will not show you documentation proving that I was not, in fact, born on the moon. There’s not even a colony there yet. Are you hearing yourself?”
Donald Trump: “You want the moon? I’ve been drinking champagne in a limousine on Mars since 2004. Boom. You know what else? I built Atlantis. (Pause for effect) Yep, it’s real. Then, guess what. They wanted lower taxes. So I said, “Boom, ya fired.” Flooded them faster than you can say Ivanna divorce. Haha. No, but seriously. I’ll have the world’s most luxurious, indulgent casino on the moon by 2012. It’ll make Atlantic City look like the top of my head.”
Rick Santorum: “What are you queer? Have you seen what happens when you go the moon? All that frolicking and twinkle-toeing. I ain’t no gay. I’m stayin’ right here.”
George W. Bush: “We have reason to believe Iraqis are hiding weapons of mass destruction on Jupiter.”
