Funny, Politics, The Onion-Style

Obama Solves Health Care Crisis

Earlier today, President Obama announced that he and his cabinet have found the solution to ending the health care crisis in America. The team exhausted every possible path and has found a way to make health care more affordable and universal, without raising taxes.

“My fellow Americans, these past few years of bipartisan bickering and tension can finally be put aside. Through exhaustive research, my team of economists, medical experts and trend projectors have put together a health care plan that can be agreed on by Democrats and Republicans alike,” President Obama addressed an anxiously anticipated room of reporters.

“Everyone in America just needs to stop getting sick and or injured. Simple as that. No more doctor visits. Just stop it altogether…”

A confused and shocked crowd fell silent upon the statement.

Obama, looking slightly disappointed in the lack of reaction from his audience made another attempt at energizing his crowd, “Ya … Like, instead of braking your arm while working your construction job … Just, don’t … ya know?”

The President looked around, bating his audience for a reaction. “And, rather than getting diagnosed with Tuberculosis, which can cost you and the taxpayers thousands of dollars in treatment, not to mention substantial increases in insurance premiums across the board … just stay healthy. Get it?”

Stunned reporters hesitantly began asking questions.

“So, you’re not actually making any changes to the health care process, insurance reform or medical practices?” asked a reporter.

“Look Don, we could sit here and change policy ’til the cows come home, but someone is always going to bitch and moan about the outcome. With our “Don’t You Fucking Get Hurt or Sick” Healthcare Policy, everyone’s happy, everyone’s healthy. Are you really gonna argue with that?”

As a reporter in the front row raised his hand, he accidentally backhanded his fellow reporter next to him in the face, causing a bloody nose.

“Oh goddamnit! You see John, that’s the precise kind of bullshit I was talking about. Are you trying to undermine our new healthcare policy already? Did McCain put you up to this?”

And with that, President Obama told reporters that the press conference was over and that everyone should “Go home, and not,” he repeated, “not get sick or injured, and we’ll all be fine, okay?”

At press time, various “Don’t You Fucking Get Hurt or Sick” Policy opponents, including the Surgeon General, thousands of doctors across the country and citizens who have been affected by the recent outbreak of llama flu have asked the simple question, “Has the president lost his fucking mind?”


Commentary, Funny, WTF

Jordan Officials Put a Stop to Self-Immolation Demonstrations by Threatening Burning

*This article is fake… Kind of.

Self-immolation has become a popular, sort-of non-violent protest throughout Tunisia, Yemen, Algeria and of course, Jordan.

In an attempt to deter rioting in Jordan, which was sparked by a recent revolution and a regime downfall in Tunisia, Jordan Officials have declared that any protester who attempts to self-immolate will by extinguished, then burned to death.

A recent statement by King Abdullah II of Jordan declared that, “I love the people of Jordan as I love my own children. That is why any citizen of our great nation who attempts to burn themselves to death as a protest to our regime will be extinguished, bathed, and then burned again.”

Less than a month ago, a college-educated Tunisian man was reprimanded for selling produce on the street without a valid business permit. Shortly after his cart was destroyed and fines were levied, the man set himself on fire until death, in an anti-government demonstration. Since then, several citizens from Yemen, Algeria, and of course, Jordan, have taken to this protest strategy to make a point to their respective countries.

We asked a local citizen in Karak, a city in western Jordan, how he felt about self-immolation and how his government was dealing with the very real threat of the current regime’s downfall.

“I was actually going to self-immolate today. But when I found out the punishment for self-immolation was getting burned to death, I was like ‘No way!’ I’m not going to burn myself if the punishment is burning. I mean, have you seen the size of the fire they are using to burn attempted self-immolators? It’s huge! Way bigger than the one I was gonna use.”

It appears that the government’s threat of reprisal has halted, or at least stalled current self-immolation protests until the citizens build a larger self-immolation fire. At which point, the government will likely have to find a new tactic to stop the burning of their people. Or maybe they will again, just build a bigger fire.


Funny, WTF

Dividing By Zero Is Hilarious

I don’t know why.  Seriously, I don’t.  But dividing by zero is really funny to me.  I guess part of it is because I imagine when people divide by zero, tiny workers in calculators completely freak out.  “No lunch break today boys, we’re working overtime; he just divided by zero. And the Math Gods get super pissed . . . Like, “What the fuck are you thinking?! You know you can’t do that! Now this is happening.” And then things like this happen . . .

Don’t piss off the Math Gods, or your house, the surrounding cities and bodies of water, and even the entire universe may just collapse.

And for some strange reason, apparently you’ll end up trying to shout “Oh Shit” . . . but not actually be able to finish the obscenity.

Fair warning.

1222644096457.jpg Divide by Zero image by torasap