Earlier today, President Obama announced that he and his cabinet have found the solution to ending the health care crisis in America. The team exhausted every possible path and has found a way to make health care more affordable and universal, without raising taxes.
“My fellow Americans, these past few years of bipartisan bickering and tension can finally be put aside. Through exhaustive research, my team of economists, medical experts and trend projectors have put together a health care plan that can be agreed on by Democrats and Republicans alike,” President Obama addressed an anxiously anticipated room of reporters.
“Everyone in America just needs to stop getting sick and or injured. Simple as that. No more doctor visits. Just stop it altogether…”
A confused and shocked crowd fell silent upon the statement.
Obama, looking slightly disappointed in the lack of reaction from his audience made another attempt at energizing his crowd, “Ya … Like, instead of braking your arm while working your construction job … Just, don’t … ya know?”
The President looked around, bating his audience for a reaction. “And, rather than getting diagnosed with Tuberculosis, which can cost you and the taxpayers thousands of dollars in treatment, not to mention substantial increases in insurance premiums across the board … just stay healthy. Get it?”
Stunned reporters hesitantly began asking questions.
“So, you’re not actually making any changes to the health care process, insurance reform or medical practices?” asked a reporter.
“Look Don, we could sit here and change policy ’til the cows come home, but someone is always going to bitch and moan about the outcome. With our “Don’t You Fucking Get Hurt or Sick” Healthcare Policy, everyone’s happy, everyone’s healthy. Are you really gonna argue with that?”
As a reporter in the front row raised his hand, he accidentally backhanded his fellow reporter next to him in the face, causing a bloody nose.
“Oh goddamnit! You see John, that’s the precise kind of bullshit I was talking about. Are you trying to undermine our new healthcare policy already? Did McCain put you up to this?”
And with that, President Obama told reporters that the press conference was over and that everyone should “Go home, and not,” he repeated, “not get sick or injured, and we’ll all be fine, okay?”
At press time, various “Don’t You Fucking Get Hurt or Sick” Policy opponents, including the Surgeon General, thousands of doctors across the country and citizens who have been affected by the recent outbreak of llama flu have asked the simple question, “Has the president lost his fucking mind?”