Commentary, Funny

Things I Learned About My Friends at Cochran/Rojas Wedding

Turns out, almost every one of my friends resembles something or someone, which is really hilarious to me.  Here are a few . . .

Phil and catherine wedding 3 079 by Amanda Dunks.
Spencer = Pug

Phil and catherine wedding 3 085 by Amanda Dunks.
Eddie = Tony Siragusa

phil and catherines wedding 153 by Amanda Dunks.
Bear = Bill Bob Thornton

phil and catherines wedding 175 by Amanda Dunks.
Donny = Neil Patrick Harris = Bird

phil and catherines wedding 213 by Amanda Dunks.
Andy Moore = Satan

phil and catherines wedding 208 by Amanda Dunks.
Haskell = Adam Sandler

Phil and catherine wedding 3 102 by Amanda Dunks.
Amanda’s Eyes = Big Bang Theory and My Favorites

phil and catherines wedding 219 by Amanda Dunks.
Jenna = Slightly Asian Mariah Carey

Phil and catherine wedding 3 112 by Amanda Dunks.
Phil Lynch (still) = Leprachaun

Phil and catherine wedding 3 083 by Amanda Dunks.Angel.gif Angel image by saustin402
Catherine = Angel

Phil and catherine wedding 3 088 by Amanda Dunks.HomerSimpson.jpg trina image by liger4life666Phil Cochran = Homer Simpson as a Skinhead

And me . . .
Phil and catherine wedding 3 077 by Amanda Dunks.
Word . . .
Commentary, Funny

Cochran/Rojas Wedding Weekend Itinerary (Cont’d)

*Again . . . Just so we’re completely clear, this itinerary is from the perspective of Stuart Haack and the things that he himself saw and experienced, and does not reflect what Phil and Catherine Cochran planned for their wedding . . . in fact, I think it was mostly quite the opposite of what they had planned.*

phil and catherines wedding 169 by Amanda Dunks.


10 a.m.– Wake up.  Still a little bit boozy from last night

10:07 a.m.– We’re all still super pissed at Eddie for his horrific snoring problem.  He is apologetic which makes me feel kinda bad . . . but then, not really

10:13 a.m.– Crack a beer.  Amanda says I can have 2 before the wedding and no more.  That’s 2 more than I thought she’d say

10:15 a.m.– Make a video recording of the morning using my digital camera

10:18 a.m- I am sworn to secrecy by Amanda and Jenna on the whereabouts of said video

10:26 a.m.– Find the Bible that I threw at Eddie the night before face down on the ground.  When I grab it to put it back it burns my hand . . . strange?

11:00 a.m.– Phil comes by to make sure we are getting ready.  He satirically remarks about the “cleanliness” of our room.  Ass

11:06 a.m.– Phil leaves and asks us to start getting ready for the wedding

11:09 a.m.– Girls turn on Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.  I get annoyed.  Then I get into it

11:34 p.m.– Spencer calls to see if he can get a ride to the church.  I say yes and then refer to him as a “pug”

12:18 p.m.– We start getting ready for the wedding

12:45 p.m.– Phil comes to the room to see if we’re ready to drive to the church

12:52 p.m.– Eddie and I are ready to go.  Girls are still in pajamas and will meet us there

Phil and catherine wedding 3 099 by Amanda Dunks.

12:59 p.m.– Half way to the church . . . Oh shit!  I forgot to pick up Spencer

1:04 p.m.– Call Donny and beg him to pick Spencer up.  Donny takes as long as most women to prepare for events, but ultimately agrees to pick him up

1:08 p.m.– Arrive at church 8 minutes late for photographs.  Photographer no where to be found

1:34 p.m.– Photographer arrives.  Takes about 5 pictures before wedding needs to take place

Phil and catherine wedding 3 105 by Amanda Dunks.

1:30-2:00 p.m.– Phil Lynch, Cody, Andy, Bear, Haskell + Rhi, etc. family arrive.  Andy has a nice suit . . . I comment several times.  Contemplate swirling my finger in the air when Phil Lynch arrives in symbolic fashion to make him turn around and pick up Jack Daniels.  Decide against

2:05 p.m.- Wedding begins.  I escort Phil’s g-ma down the aisle.  Minimal flirting

Phil and catherine wedding 3 130 by Amanda Dunks.

2:10 p.m.– Donny shows up late.  Spencer’s wife Sam doesn’t show up at all.

2:12 p.m.– I don’t cry at all when Catherine comes down the aisle . . . okay maybe a little

2:40 p.m.– Ceremony is over and now two of my best friends are officially married.  Think about my life in depth for a moment . . . pretty pleased

2:45 p.m.– Post ceremony pics.  Photographer is pretty boring.  Could have given Eddie a digital camera and had same results . . . and that’s saying a lot . . . with Eddie I mean

3:00 p.m.– Stop by TCBY on the way to reception.  Yes . . . Jenna needed ice cream before dinner

3:13 p.m.– Run into Donny at hotel.  He’s going to his room for beers before going to reception.  Sounds like a plan

3:15 p.m.– Find out I saw Donny last night?  Bear too?

3:18 p.m.– Step in Dante’s dog shit in Donny’s room.  Dante is no longer a cute puppy.  Very disappointed

3:20: p.m.– Chug a Coors Light

3:25 p.m.– Go to pre-reception Cocktail Hour.  Barely able to take advantage of the small window of free drinks.  Become slightly irritated

3:38 p.m.– Andy looks either very tired, very awkward, or very drunk . . . or all three

phil and catherines wedding 211 by Amanda Dunks.

3:50 p.m.– Phil and Catherine arrive at the Cocktail Hour.  Beautiful.  What’s even more beautiful is the waiter bringing a tray of beers right behind them.  Glory

4:05 p.m.– Ambrose Rojas, father of the bride, does a lovely rendition of a Spanish song with mariachis in the background.  Phil’s side of the wedding has absolutely no idea what’s happening . . . but we’re all pretty sure he was telling Catherine all the reasons why he hates Phil

4:30 p.m.– Head into the hotel for the reception and some awesome prime rib

4:31 p.m.– Almost positive all of our friends drank a majority of the free booze.  Now the first 5 people in line for the cash bar are the same guys again.  Would be me as well . . . but I’ve no cash

4:43 p.m.– Andy begins looking less awkward and tired, but much, much more drunk

4:45 p.m.– Donny’s date is cool . . . I guess.  Even I wouldn’t miss that field goal

5:00 p.m.– I was right . . . my prime rib is awesome.  And Amanda’s prime rib.  And Jenna’s chicken.  And several servings of mashed potatos.  Still hungry

5:30 p.m.– Phil and Catherine’s first dance.  A lovely moment.  Ruined for me cuz all I can think about is scissor-kicking Phil right in the middle of the dance floor

5:42 p.m.– Father/Daughter dance.  Amanda and Jenna get emotional.  I try to feed Amanda booze.  She ain’t havin it

5:55 p.m.– I realize that Phil Lynch, Bear and Andy Moore are all incredibly drunk . . . possibly the drunkest I’ve ever seen them, especially for Bear and Andy Moore.  Donny’s got the glazed look that he gets when drunk, and his date is also smashed . . . it’s awesome.  Simple terms, people are drunk

6:12 p.m.– Celebratory cigars outside from Bear.  Not big on cigars, but you almost have to after a wedding.  Smoked half, smelled like shit, chugged some beer

phil and catherines wedding 191 by Amanda Dunks.

6:28 p.m.– La Marcha!  A perfect opportunity to kick Spencer in the shins . . . hard.  Alas, I’ve been nut-tapped by Andy Moore.  Bullshit

6:38 p.m.– Sam doesn’t feel well.  Spencer takes her to our room for a nap.  She can’t stand the smell.  Thanks a lot Jenna

7:00 p.m.– Haskell gets the idea to buy some bottles of champagne.  $28 for some cheap stuff.  It’s a wedding, we decide to spend it.  We buy 2.  Turns out they’re still inside for free.  That’s #2, Haskell

phil and catherines wedding 234 by Amanda Dunks.phil and catherines wedding 235 by Amanda Dunks.

7:12 p.m.– Haskell, Bear, Eddie, Amanda and I start drinking champagne in the hotel lobby.  Grooms parents walk by.  I wonder if they’re upset that we’re sitting outside reception drinking champagne essentially from the bottle.  Rather than continue worrying about it, I take a drink

7:18 p.m.– Eddie plays the Titanic theme song about eight times on the piano in the lobby.  We beg him to stop.  Some guy takes over.  I ask him to play the theme song form The Office.  He does

7:30 p.m.– Arrive back in reception and come to realize that even though we went through 2 bottles of champagne, most everyone else is drunker than we are.  Touche

7:46 p.m.– Have a few dances with Amanda, Jenna, Haskell, Eddie, and Andy.  Amanda is not feeling well.  I hope it’s not my dancing

phil and catherines wedding 177 by Amanda Dunks.

8-9 p.m.– Continue drinking.  Waitress brings around one of those free bottles of champagne.  It’s like rubbing salt in a $28 wound

9:12 p.m.– Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” comes on.  We all look at each other and scream like little girls.  Picture seven drunk men, holding each other while swaying to their own horribly awesome rendition of “Sweet Caroline . . . ba! ba! ba!”

phil and catherines wedding 226 by Amanda Dunks.

9:30 p.m.– Back to the room.  Amanda and I shower.  Andy, Haskell and Eddie show up to the room.  Amanda is horrified because she wants to go to sleep.  I tell her I’m upset too, but she knows I’m happy to see them

9:44 p.m.– Haskell tries to talk everyone into doing something.  It’s a toss-up between a shrimp-off at Galaxy Diner (eating as many Endless Shrimp as possible) or going downtown.  I’m only down for the shrimp

9:56 p.m.– After receiving a call from his girlfriend who recently had her tonsils removed, Haskell decides to go home and call it a night

10:04 p.m.– We decide it’s a great time to order pizza.  Three helpings apparently wasn’t enough for me.  To pass time while waiting, Andy and I start taking pulls of Jim Beam.  Andy is already blacked out . . . of this I’m 100% positive

10:08 p.m.– Andy, Eddie, Jenna, Amanda and I start talking shit to an infomercial about people with bad acne.  It’s fun at the time . . .

10:40 p.m.– Pizza arrives.  Forgot ranch sauce, of course.  Amanda won’t eat pizza without ranch sauce.  Sent delivery boy back for ranch sauce.  Sucks to be pizza delivery boy

10:42 p.m.– Eddie leaves, a little butt-hurt because we won’t allow him to stay with us and continue to deprive us of sleep.  He made a point to stick around for pizza, however

11:00 p.m.– Ranch sauce arrives, Amanda is happy.  I am tired . . . but I’m still taking pulls of Jim Beam with Andy Moore

11:02 p.m.– Turns out, Andy Moore has been asleep for about 10 minutes

11:10 p.m.– We all pass out


5 a.m.– Andy Moore unprecedentedly wakes up and goes to work.  We find out later that, while he made it on time to work, he also fell asleep at the desk in his office

9 a.m.– The room is freezing because Jenna turned the A.C. to 60.  Feels great . . . until you need to take a leak

10:15 a.m.– I go get McDonald’s for Jenna, Amanda and I while they get ready to depart from Flagstaff

11:30 a.m.– Check out of our room with minimal mess.  After seeing the seemingly nice woman who was going to be forced to clean up our rock-star/hurricane beaten room, I felt an emotion I’d never felt before.  I think they call it remoarse . . . or maybe it was just my stomach saying I needed to barf

12:00 p.m.– BWW!  For those who don’t know, it’s Buffalo Wild Wings, and they F-ing rule.  And yes, that’s two meals in an hour and a half

1:30 p.m.– Arrive in Sedona at the “masculine vortex”.  Beautiful scenery, there is nothing like Sedona.  Amanda feels like shit from the windy road down, however.  Puking on an indian vortex could be supremely bad for your kharma, though.  We all have some trouble climbing up the vortex with flip flops on . . . but especially Amanda

Phil and catherine wedding 3 163 by Amanda Dunks.Phil and catherine wedding 3 176 by Amanda Dunks.

2:30 p.m.– Stop at Wendy’s for some bugers, fries and Frosty’s . . . Yes, we are fat asses

5:30 p.m.– Drop tux off in Peoria at Men’s Warehouse

6:45 p.m.– Shakes at Dairy Queen . . . no, I’m not kidding

10:00 p.m.– Jenna, Amanda and I psych ourselves out when pulling up to this “Hills Have Eyes” looking gas station just past El Centro.  But seriously, this empty, deserted, dark gas station become packed with gnarly looking locals just minutes after we stop for a bathroom break . . . disturbing or cool?

10-11 p.m.– Shitty drive home


12 a.m.– Pass the F out

Commentary, Funny

Cochran/Rojas Wedding Weekend Itinerary

*This itinerary is from the perspective of Stuart Haack and the things that he himself saw and experienced, and does not reflect what Phil and Catherine Cochran planned for their wedding . . . in fact, I think it was mostly quite the opposite of what they had planned for the most part.*
Sometime in 2007– Phil meets Catherine

Sometime in 2008– Phil proposes to Catherine . . . Catherine agrees to marry Phil

Sometime later in 2008– Learn the date of the Cochran/Rojas wedding (6/20/2009)


7 p.m.– Tell Amanda I don’t care if we miss the Wedding rehearsal, since it’s so early and so far away

7:01 p.m.– Amanda is happy to have the opportunity to sleep in on Friday


8 p.m.– Convince Amanda to leave San Diego at 4 a.m. to make it to the rehearsal on time

9 p.m.– Amanda is done being furious.  We plan to leave at 4 a.m. 6/19

11 p.m.– Jenna shows up to spend the night for the carpool up to Flagstaff in the morning


1 a.m.– Go to sleep

3:45 a.m.– Wake up . . . begrudgingly

3:46 a.m.– Monster Energy Drink

4:17 a.m.– Hit the road

4:29 a.m.– Back at the house . . . Amanda forgot her I.D.

4:31 a.m.– Hit the road!

5:02 a.m.– Monster Energy Drink!

6:15 a.m.– Amanda’s first pit stop

6:26 a.m.– Amanda’s second pit stop (not an exaggeration)

7:30 a.m.– Phone call from other car that departed from S.D.  at 2 a.m.  Eddie is piss-drunk, Sam is driving, Spencer may or may not be dead

7:34 a.m.– Kinda wish I was in Eddie’s shoes . . . Alas, I’m driving.  Monster Energy Drink!!

8:00 a.m.– Amanda’s third pit stop

9:28 a.m.– Jenna finishes her coffee . . . strong surge in her stomach

9:29 a.m.– Cut through lanes of traffic for immediate bathroom break for Jenna

9:50 a.m.– Another stop for Jenna

9:52 a.m.– Realize the limit on Monster Energy Drinks is 3 per day . . . hesitate for a moment . . . then open fourth

10:40 a.m.– Jenna’s third pit stop . . . no more coffee for Jenna

11:26 a.m.– Final pit stop . . . All three of us “drop some kids off at the pool” . . . Car accelerates faster all of a sudden

12:02 p.m.– Show up at Wedding Rehearsal two minutes late.  Groom still absent.  Eddie reeks of booze and regret.  Spencer seems to be maintaining

12:05 p.m.– Amanda sees the ex . . . she’s not pleased

12:48 p.m.– Rehearsal over.  Head over to Alpine Pizza.  Eddie and I drink a Tecate from my cooler before entering

12:52 p.m.– Catch a glimpse of myself in mirror.  Sexy man

12:59 p.m.– Order two pitchers of beer . . . Blue Moon for taste, Bud Light for efficiency

1:05 p.m.– Eat some pizza, meet some family, drink some beer

1:26 p.m.– Amanda realizes our wedding necklaces that are supposed to look like football helmets actually look like penises.  We all laugh, but are somewhat disgusted.  Waiter takes pizza away.  Beer gets drank a bit faster for a few minutes

2:00 p.m.– Go to Target to get a belt and a wine cube (wine cubes = 4 bottles)

2:40 p.m.– Check into hotel.  Super pleased with Sleep Number mattresses.  Mess around with numbers for a while.

2:46 p.m.– Slap Cube.  It’s a game derived from Slap Bag.  Call the Cube of wine a filthy name, slap it, then chug

3 p.m.-6 p.m.– Delgado, Haskell, Spencer, Sam, Eddie, Jenna, Amanda and I continue getting boozed up on Slap Cube, Jim Beam, Ten High and Diet Go (thanks Haskell)

6 p.m.-9 p.m.– ?

9 p.m.– Head downtown with everyone in the room.  Phil is back from parents dinner.  The look in his eye says “I’m ready to drink”

9:15 p.m.– ?

10:00 p.m.– Drinks, shots and beers.  Pool with Haskell.  I’m a disgrace.  Round of drinks to make up for it

10:20 p.m.– Find out Delgado is being inappropriate.  Can’t find him.  Run around downtown Flagstaff on search for him, while the rest of the guys ultimately form a search party for me

11:00 p.m.– See Kyle V.  Bar manager now at Collin’s.  Free round of Jack Daniel’s.  I still paid the price

11:05 p.m.– Amanda, Jenna and Sam are having their own personal photo shoot in the corner

11:30 p.m.– Amanda and I inevitably get into an argument

11:40 p.m.– ?


12:10 a.m.– Back at hotel to mend things with Amanda.  She’s having a heart-to-heart with groom.  I hang out with Spencer and Jenna and we all have a deep talk

1:00 a.m.– Amanda get’s back, things are good.  I pass out

3 a.m.- I get awoken by Amanda freaking out because Eddie is snoring.  We beat him with pillows, throw things at him, including the Bible.  Not even that would save our souls.  Our efforts are useless

4 a.m.– Amanda and I leave.  We go to the car. Amanda pukes.  I try to sleep.  Impossible.

5 a.m.– We go to Safeway for earplugs and cucumbers.  Then McDonalds . . . savior

7 a.m.– Back to bed

*Continued itinerary in the next post