Commentary, Funny

Cochran/Rojas Wedding Weekend Itinerary (Cont’d)

*Again . . . Just so we’re completely clear, this itinerary is from the perspective of Stuart Haack and the things that he himself saw and experienced, and does not reflect what Phil and Catherine Cochran planned for their wedding . . . in fact, I think it was mostly quite the opposite of what they had planned.*

phil and catherines wedding 169 by Amanda Dunks.


10 a.m.– Wake up.  Still a little bit boozy from last night

10:07 a.m.– We’re all still super pissed at Eddie for his horrific snoring problem.  He is apologetic which makes me feel kinda bad . . . but then, not really

10:13 a.m.– Crack a beer.  Amanda says I can have 2 before the wedding and no more.  That’s 2 more than I thought she’d say

10:15 a.m.– Make a video recording of the morning using my digital camera

10:18 a.m- I am sworn to secrecy by Amanda and Jenna on the whereabouts of said video

10:26 a.m.– Find the Bible that I threw at Eddie the night before face down on the ground.  When I grab it to put it back it burns my hand . . . strange?

11:00 a.m.– Phil comes by to make sure we are getting ready.  He satirically remarks about the “cleanliness” of our room.  Ass

11:06 a.m.– Phil leaves and asks us to start getting ready for the wedding

11:09 a.m.– Girls turn on Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.  I get annoyed.  Then I get into it

11:34 p.m.– Spencer calls to see if he can get a ride to the church.  I say yes and then refer to him as a “pug”

12:18 p.m.– We start getting ready for the wedding

12:45 p.m.– Phil comes to the room to see if we’re ready to drive to the church

12:52 p.m.– Eddie and I are ready to go.  Girls are still in pajamas and will meet us there

Phil and catherine wedding 3 099 by Amanda Dunks.

12:59 p.m.– Half way to the church . . . Oh shit!  I forgot to pick up Spencer

1:04 p.m.– Call Donny and beg him to pick Spencer up.  Donny takes as long as most women to prepare for events, but ultimately agrees to pick him up

1:08 p.m.– Arrive at church 8 minutes late for photographs.  Photographer no where to be found

1:34 p.m.– Photographer arrives.  Takes about 5 pictures before wedding needs to take place

Phil and catherine wedding 3 105 by Amanda Dunks.

1:30-2:00 p.m.– Phil Lynch, Cody, Andy, Bear, Haskell + Rhi, etc. family arrive.  Andy has a nice suit . . . I comment several times.  Contemplate swirling my finger in the air when Phil Lynch arrives in symbolic fashion to make him turn around and pick up Jack Daniels.  Decide against

2:05 p.m.- Wedding begins.  I escort Phil’s g-ma down the aisle.  Minimal flirting

Phil and catherine wedding 3 130 by Amanda Dunks.

2:10 p.m.– Donny shows up late.  Spencer’s wife Sam doesn’t show up at all.

2:12 p.m.– I don’t cry at all when Catherine comes down the aisle . . . okay maybe a little

2:40 p.m.– Ceremony is over and now two of my best friends are officially married.  Think about my life in depth for a moment . . . pretty pleased

2:45 p.m.– Post ceremony pics.  Photographer is pretty boring.  Could have given Eddie a digital camera and had same results . . . and that’s saying a lot . . . with Eddie I mean

3:00 p.m.– Stop by TCBY on the way to reception.  Yes . . . Jenna needed ice cream before dinner

3:13 p.m.– Run into Donny at hotel.  He’s going to his room for beers before going to reception.  Sounds like a plan

3:15 p.m.– Find out I saw Donny last night?  Bear too?

3:18 p.m.– Step in Dante’s dog shit in Donny’s room.  Dante is no longer a cute puppy.  Very disappointed

3:20: p.m.– Chug a Coors Light

3:25 p.m.– Go to pre-reception Cocktail Hour.  Barely able to take advantage of the small window of free drinks.  Become slightly irritated

3:38 p.m.– Andy looks either very tired, very awkward, or very drunk . . . or all three

phil and catherines wedding 211 by Amanda Dunks.

3:50 p.m.– Phil and Catherine arrive at the Cocktail Hour.  Beautiful.  What’s even more beautiful is the waiter bringing a tray of beers right behind them.  Glory

4:05 p.m.– Ambrose Rojas, father of the bride, does a lovely rendition of a Spanish song with mariachis in the background.  Phil’s side of the wedding has absolutely no idea what’s happening . . . but we’re all pretty sure he was telling Catherine all the reasons why he hates Phil

4:30 p.m.– Head into the hotel for the reception and some awesome prime rib

4:31 p.m.– Almost positive all of our friends drank a majority of the free booze.  Now the first 5 people in line for the cash bar are the same guys again.  Would be me as well . . . but I’ve no cash

4:43 p.m.– Andy begins looking less awkward and tired, but much, much more drunk

4:45 p.m.– Donny’s date is cool . . . I guess.  Even I wouldn’t miss that field goal

5:00 p.m.– I was right . . . my prime rib is awesome.  And Amanda’s prime rib.  And Jenna’s chicken.  And several servings of mashed potatos.  Still hungry

5:30 p.m.– Phil and Catherine’s first dance.  A lovely moment.  Ruined for me cuz all I can think about is scissor-kicking Phil right in the middle of the dance floor

5:42 p.m.– Father/Daughter dance.  Amanda and Jenna get emotional.  I try to feed Amanda booze.  She ain’t havin it

5:55 p.m.– I realize that Phil Lynch, Bear and Andy Moore are all incredibly drunk . . . possibly the drunkest I’ve ever seen them, especially for Bear and Andy Moore.  Donny’s got the glazed look that he gets when drunk, and his date is also smashed . . . it’s awesome.  Simple terms, people are drunk

6:12 p.m.– Celebratory cigars outside from Bear.  Not big on cigars, but you almost have to after a wedding.  Smoked half, smelled like shit, chugged some beer

phil and catherines wedding 191 by Amanda Dunks.

6:28 p.m.– La Marcha!  A perfect opportunity to kick Spencer in the shins . . . hard.  Alas, I’ve been nut-tapped by Andy Moore.  Bullshit

6:38 p.m.– Sam doesn’t feel well.  Spencer takes her to our room for a nap.  She can’t stand the smell.  Thanks a lot Jenna

7:00 p.m.– Haskell gets the idea to buy some bottles of champagne.  $28 for some cheap stuff.  It’s a wedding, we decide to spend it.  We buy 2.  Turns out they’re still inside for free.  That’s #2, Haskell

phil and catherines wedding 234 by Amanda Dunks.phil and catherines wedding 235 by Amanda Dunks.

7:12 p.m.– Haskell, Bear, Eddie, Amanda and I start drinking champagne in the hotel lobby.  Grooms parents walk by.  I wonder if they’re upset that we’re sitting outside reception drinking champagne essentially from the bottle.  Rather than continue worrying about it, I take a drink

7:18 p.m.– Eddie plays the Titanic theme song about eight times on the piano in the lobby.  We beg him to stop.  Some guy takes over.  I ask him to play the theme song form The Office.  He does

7:30 p.m.– Arrive back in reception and come to realize that even though we went through 2 bottles of champagne, most everyone else is drunker than we are.  Touche

7:46 p.m.– Have a few dances with Amanda, Jenna, Haskell, Eddie, and Andy.  Amanda is not feeling well.  I hope it’s not my dancing

phil and catherines wedding 177 by Amanda Dunks.

8-9 p.m.– Continue drinking.  Waitress brings around one of those free bottles of champagne.  It’s like rubbing salt in a $28 wound

9:12 p.m.– Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” comes on.  We all look at each other and scream like little girls.  Picture seven drunk men, holding each other while swaying to their own horribly awesome rendition of “Sweet Caroline . . . ba! ba! ba!”

phil and catherines wedding 226 by Amanda Dunks.

9:30 p.m.– Back to the room.  Amanda and I shower.  Andy, Haskell and Eddie show up to the room.  Amanda is horrified because she wants to go to sleep.  I tell her I’m upset too, but she knows I’m happy to see them

9:44 p.m.– Haskell tries to talk everyone into doing something.  It’s a toss-up between a shrimp-off at Galaxy Diner (eating as many Endless Shrimp as possible) or going downtown.  I’m only down for the shrimp

9:56 p.m.– After receiving a call from his girlfriend who recently had her tonsils removed, Haskell decides to go home and call it a night

10:04 p.m.– We decide it’s a great time to order pizza.  Three helpings apparently wasn’t enough for me.  To pass time while waiting, Andy and I start taking pulls of Jim Beam.  Andy is already blacked out . . . of this I’m 100% positive

10:08 p.m.– Andy, Eddie, Jenna, Amanda and I start talking shit to an infomercial about people with bad acne.  It’s fun at the time . . .

10:40 p.m.– Pizza arrives.  Forgot ranch sauce, of course.  Amanda won’t eat pizza without ranch sauce.  Sent delivery boy back for ranch sauce.  Sucks to be pizza delivery boy

10:42 p.m.– Eddie leaves, a little butt-hurt because we won’t allow him to stay with us and continue to deprive us of sleep.  He made a point to stick around for pizza, however

11:00 p.m.– Ranch sauce arrives, Amanda is happy.  I am tired . . . but I’m still taking pulls of Jim Beam with Andy Moore

11:02 p.m.– Turns out, Andy Moore has been asleep for about 10 minutes

11:10 p.m.– We all pass out


5 a.m.– Andy Moore unprecedentedly wakes up and goes to work.  We find out later that, while he made it on time to work, he also fell asleep at the desk in his office

9 a.m.– The room is freezing because Jenna turned the A.C. to 60.  Feels great . . . until you need to take a leak

10:15 a.m.– I go get McDonald’s for Jenna, Amanda and I while they get ready to depart from Flagstaff

11:30 a.m.– Check out of our room with minimal mess.  After seeing the seemingly nice woman who was going to be forced to clean up our rock-star/hurricane beaten room, I felt an emotion I’d never felt before.  I think they call it remoarse . . . or maybe it was just my stomach saying I needed to barf

12:00 p.m.– BWW!  For those who don’t know, it’s Buffalo Wild Wings, and they F-ing rule.  And yes, that’s two meals in an hour and a half

1:30 p.m.– Arrive in Sedona at the “masculine vortex”.  Beautiful scenery, there is nothing like Sedona.  Amanda feels like shit from the windy road down, however.  Puking on an indian vortex could be supremely bad for your kharma, though.  We all have some trouble climbing up the vortex with flip flops on . . . but especially Amanda

Phil and catherine wedding 3 163 by Amanda Dunks.Phil and catherine wedding 3 176 by Amanda Dunks.

2:30 p.m.– Stop at Wendy’s for some bugers, fries and Frosty’s . . . Yes, we are fat asses

5:30 p.m.– Drop tux off in Peoria at Men’s Warehouse

6:45 p.m.– Shakes at Dairy Queen . . . no, I’m not kidding

10:00 p.m.– Jenna, Amanda and I psych ourselves out when pulling up to this “Hills Have Eyes” looking gas station just past El Centro.  But seriously, this empty, deserted, dark gas station become packed with gnarly looking locals just minutes after we stop for a bathroom break . . . disturbing or cool?

10-11 p.m.– Shitty drive home


12 a.m.– Pass the F out