Commentary, Funny

Cochran/Rojas Wedding Weekend Itinerary

*This itinerary is from the perspective of Stuart Haack and the things that he himself saw and experienced, and does not reflect what Phil and Catherine Cochran planned for their wedding . . . in fact, I think it was mostly quite the opposite of what they had planned for the most part.*
Sometime in 2007– Phil meets Catherine

Sometime in 2008– Phil proposes to Catherine . . . Catherine agrees to marry Phil

Sometime later in 2008– Learn the date of the Cochran/Rojas wedding (6/20/2009)


7 p.m.– Tell Amanda I don’t care if we miss the Wedding rehearsal, since it’s so early and so far away

7:01 p.m.– Amanda is happy to have the opportunity to sleep in on Friday


8 p.m.– Convince Amanda to leave San Diego at 4 a.m. to make it to the rehearsal on time

9 p.m.– Amanda is done being furious.  We plan to leave at 4 a.m. 6/19

11 p.m.– Jenna shows up to spend the night for the carpool up to Flagstaff in the morning


1 a.m.– Go to sleep

3:45 a.m.– Wake up . . . begrudgingly

3:46 a.m.– Monster Energy Drink

4:17 a.m.– Hit the road

4:29 a.m.– Back at the house . . . Amanda forgot her I.D.

4:31 a.m.– Hit the road!

5:02 a.m.– Monster Energy Drink!

6:15 a.m.– Amanda’s first pit stop

6:26 a.m.– Amanda’s second pit stop (not an exaggeration)

7:30 a.m.– Phone call from other car that departed from S.D.  at 2 a.m.  Eddie is piss-drunk, Sam is driving, Spencer may or may not be dead

7:34 a.m.– Kinda wish I was in Eddie’s shoes . . . Alas, I’m driving.  Monster Energy Drink!!

8:00 a.m.– Amanda’s third pit stop

9:28 a.m.– Jenna finishes her coffee . . . strong surge in her stomach

9:29 a.m.– Cut through lanes of traffic for immediate bathroom break for Jenna

9:50 a.m.– Another stop for Jenna

9:52 a.m.– Realize the limit on Monster Energy Drinks is 3 per day . . . hesitate for a moment . . . then open fourth

10:40 a.m.– Jenna’s third pit stop . . . no more coffee for Jenna

11:26 a.m.– Final pit stop . . . All three of us “drop some kids off at the pool” . . . Car accelerates faster all of a sudden

12:02 p.m.– Show up at Wedding Rehearsal two minutes late.  Groom still absent.  Eddie reeks of booze and regret.  Spencer seems to be maintaining

12:05 p.m.– Amanda sees the ex . . . she’s not pleased

12:48 p.m.– Rehearsal over.  Head over to Alpine Pizza.  Eddie and I drink a Tecate from my cooler before entering

12:52 p.m.– Catch a glimpse of myself in mirror.  Sexy man

12:59 p.m.– Order two pitchers of beer . . . Blue Moon for taste, Bud Light for efficiency

1:05 p.m.– Eat some pizza, meet some family, drink some beer

1:26 p.m.– Amanda realizes our wedding necklaces that are supposed to look like football helmets actually look like penises.  We all laugh, but are somewhat disgusted.  Waiter takes pizza away.  Beer gets drank a bit faster for a few minutes

2:00 p.m.– Go to Target to get a belt and a wine cube (wine cubes = 4 bottles)

2:40 p.m.– Check into hotel.  Super pleased with Sleep Number mattresses.  Mess around with numbers for a while.

2:46 p.m.– Slap Cube.  It’s a game derived from Slap Bag.  Call the Cube of wine a filthy name, slap it, then chug

3 p.m.-6 p.m.– Delgado, Haskell, Spencer, Sam, Eddie, Jenna, Amanda and I continue getting boozed up on Slap Cube, Jim Beam, Ten High and Diet Go (thanks Haskell)

6 p.m.-9 p.m.– ?

9 p.m.– Head downtown with everyone in the room.  Phil is back from parents dinner.  The look in his eye says “I’m ready to drink”

9:15 p.m.– ?

10:00 p.m.– Drinks, shots and beers.  Pool with Haskell.  I’m a disgrace.  Round of drinks to make up for it

10:20 p.m.– Find out Delgado is being inappropriate.  Can’t find him.  Run around downtown Flagstaff on search for him, while the rest of the guys ultimately form a search party for me

11:00 p.m.– See Kyle V.  Bar manager now at Collin’s.  Free round of Jack Daniel’s.  I still paid the price

11:05 p.m.– Amanda, Jenna and Sam are having their own personal photo shoot in the corner

11:30 p.m.– Amanda and I inevitably get into an argument

11:40 p.m.– ?


12:10 a.m.– Back at hotel to mend things with Amanda.  She’s having a heart-to-heart with groom.  I hang out with Spencer and Jenna and we all have a deep talk

1:00 a.m.– Amanda get’s back, things are good.  I pass out

3 a.m.- I get awoken by Amanda freaking out because Eddie is snoring.  We beat him with pillows, throw things at him, including the Bible.  Not even that would save our souls.  Our efforts are useless

4 a.m.– Amanda and I leave.  We go to the car. Amanda pukes.  I try to sleep.  Impossible.

5 a.m.– We go to Safeway for earplugs and cucumbers.  Then McDonalds . . . savior

7 a.m.– Back to bed

*Continued itinerary in the next post